The light and the dark
by MissRed666
Summary: post endgame, how kathryn deals with their homecoming, J/C of course :D im no good at summaries but it is a very good story


The faces congratulating her on getting them home were just too much for her to bear. She pulled her captain mask right over her face and tried not to cry for joy.

"We'll see you in two hours face to face and after debriefing all of you can go see your families" said Admiral Paris on the view screen. The captain nodded her head in reply.

"End transmission Mr Kim," as the screen went back to showing the familiar stars of the alpha quadrant, "I'll be in my ready room."

She turned on her heels and walked with all the remaining strength in her body. She could feel her captain façade start to crumble as her knees started to shake but did her best not to show it, she was sure that nobody was watching her they were all too busy congratulating and celebrating together. The doors to her ready room opened with their tell tale swish. Once she was inside and heard the doors close her resolve collapsed and she fell to her knees tears of joy and sorrow ran down her face.

Unbeknownst to her, her first officer saw her pain as she was leaving. He knew her better than anyone else on the ship, he knew what was going through her mind and her conflicting emotions of the event of this evening. He knew that she shouldn't be alone right now, but so as not to arouse too much suspicion he stayed on the bridge celebrating with his crew for another ten minutes before heading over to her ready room. When he reached the doors they wouldn't open, not surprised he chimed twice before giving it up as a lost cause. Worry settled into the pit of his stomach, to his mind her depressions were legendary. He had helped her through more than one, even when she didn't want his help, especially when she didn't want his help. He hated seeing her despondent and knew what her depressions did to her physically and emotionally, he shot Tuvok a look that conveyed everything he needed to know, it was their 'we are both worried about her, I'll get through to her' look. Tuvok nodded his head slightly and watched as Chakotay exited the bridge through the side door to the corridor that held the back entrance to her ready room. Chakotay chimed the back door twice before he used his security override to get inside.

At first he didn't see her as he walked inside and was confused because he could hear her muffled sobs. Looking back her desk he saw her and his heart broke. Kathryn was sitting with her back resting on her desk, knees drawn to her chest and head resting on her arms as tears flowed down her face and arms. Her whole body was shaking with the force of her nearly silent tears. In a few quick strides he made it over to her and knelt in front of her knees placing one of his hand on her shoulder.

"Oh Kathryn, everything is going to be okay." He said with a soft voice, "We are home, we are all home and you did that." He felt her body stiffen at the last part of his statement and she raised her head to look him directly in the eyes. He saw that hard look in her eyes and knew he said the wrong thing. He was expecting her to yell but instead she just sounded even more despondant than ever

"But that's the thing, we aren't all here and that's on me. When I destroyed that array I became personally responsible for ever death that occurred after, I became responsible for everybody being trapped in that part of space and for them losing their loved ones. That's all on me no one else, I didn't deserve to come through that corridor I should have stayed behind or better yet I should have been killed before I destroyed that array." Her head went to go back to resting on her knees but Chakotay's warm palm stopped her. His hand resting under her chin pulled her face back up so that she was looking at him again.

"Kathryn, nobody blames you for any of that except maybe you. You made the right decision that day and think about what would have happened if you hadn't made that decision, Miral Paris wouldn't be here, all of the relationships formed on this ship wouldn't be around, nelix would never have found a new family and I…" he paused slightly searching her eyes for a reson not to say it aloud, finding no reason he continued, 'and I would never have fallen in love with the most beautiful woman this side of the universe.' In her heart she knew he was talking about her but she couldn't help the doubts flowing through her head after everything The Admiral had told her.

"You mean Seven, yes I guess but it doesn't make up for all of the death and pain that I caused." His head hung and he started laughing and when he started she had trouble keeping it in.

"What? What's so funny?" she asked trying to keep a straight face.

"Just you, you are so impossible sometimes."

"Why is that?" she asked as his face sobered up slightly. He looked directly into her eyes and all of his doubts faded away.

"Well I just told you that I loved you and you automatically assumed that I was in love with seven, how did you make that connection?"

"You love me?" her voice was very quiet and shaking.

"Of course I love you Kathryn, iv loved you from the moment you stepped between me and Tom on the bridge that first day in the delta quadrant and ill love you forever, there is only one Kathryn Janeway." This time it was her turn to caress his face. Her face softened and her tears stopped flowing, he wiped the remaining liquid from her cheeks with the pads of his thumbs.

"now the only question is do you love me?" her eyes said everything he needed to know but he wanted to hear the words, the words that she had used Captain Janeway to hide for seven long years, but now they weren't The Captain and The Commander, they were just Kathryn and Chakotay, and he would be damned if she wouldn't answer him. She opened her mouth to speak but closed it as more tears threatened to overflow her eyes.

"Its okay Kathryn, you don't have to answer me right now." His eyes fell to the floor.

"No Chakotay, you need to know how I feel." He looked back at her as she shifted position dropping her knees back to the floor and taking his hands in hers.

"I love you, I love you more than the last breath I took and I love you more and more each day. I can't tell you when I figured out that I love you because it was a gradual thing and one morning I just woke up and realised that I couldn't live without you in my life. I just never thought that the feelings were two ways and apart from the fact that you were my subordinate so I never did anything about, and when the Admiral told me about you and Seven I just assumed that there never was anything between us."

"Kathryn, Seven was nothing if anything I think that I was trying to hurt you and I'm so sorry for that, more sorry that you will even know."

"Well if that was what you were trying to accomplish it definitely worked in the admiral's timeline."

"Yes well thanks to that wonderful lady that timeline doesn't exist anymore."

More tears started running down her face as she took in that fact, "I died."

His eyes hardened and he took her face in both of his hands forcing her to look at him.

"No, Kathryn, Admiral Janeway died in our timeline. She sacrificed herself to save her crew and herself from the guilt over everything. She died so that we could have a chance a better future one where I don't marry Seven and one where more people don't die because of her, not because of you. You are two completely different people, you have to know that."

"Yes but I would have done the same thing she did."

"Yes and you would rather die than harm you crew but you don't have to be the Captain with me you can just be you, try to be you. Let yourself be loved, don't let the sacrifices this crew made be in vain, they died so that you could get the rest of us home."

"Do you have any idea how much I love you right now?" she asked as a smile flooded her face. His hands were still on her face as he leant forward closing the gap between their lips and breaking the barriers that she had built up to protect herself and her ship from their love. Their lips touched and she felt herself instantly relax into him, heat flowed through her body and his hands slid down her sides to rest on her hips. Her arms went to pull herself closer to his body. Everything was falling into place, they were finally together after years of denial and pain everything was flowing away with their kiss. They were no longer aware of their surroundings just of each other. It was a perfect moment.

The comm. chimed, "Tom to the Captain."

The broke their kiss and Kathryn taped her comm. Badge, "what do you want Tom?" she wanted to sound annoyed but her voice couldn't contain her happiness, he held a hand over his mouth to try to muffle his laughter from his joy and her reaction when their moment had been interrupted.

"Party in the mess hall, we are only missing two people."

"Be there in moment Tom."

He stood up and held out his arms for her, she grabbed his arms and he pulled her up into a hug to try and convey all of his feelings.

"We had better get to that party." She said but didn't leave his arms, she didn't want to.

"We can't walk like this" they readjusted a little so that they could walk without breaking contact.

"Aren't you worried that someone might see us?" he asked

"Let them see," she replied with a smile, "I wonder which one will win the bet that they have had on us from the past seven years."

They both laughed and moved off towards the mess hall, his arm around her shoulder and hers around his waist.


End file.
